Depersonalization & depression… “A possible relapse”

I awoke Friday morning to my alarm clock blaring as loud as crickets on a silent night. I walked over to my alarm clock to shut it off. As I was walking back to lay down, I noticed something. It was a strange but familiar feeling…

I was too sleepy to pay it much mind. So I laid back down and fell right back asleep. Once again, the alarm clock goes off. I shut it off and I’m back to sleep once more. The alarm clock usually will go off at least 3 times. But, I usually get up before the 3rd scream. The same happened that morning. I wake up and I’m laying there in quiet stillness. That strange & familiar feeling is deep within and it’s even slightly draining. As I lay wondering what the feeling was, it finally hit me. “I am standing right beside the open door back into depression. I knew it was familiar. I was even feeling a little more intensity than usual of Depersonalization. Depression is very unique in that it doesn’t make sense to most. I had already been down this road before. Once you’ve gone through darkness and the shadow of death, you never forget what it looks and feels like.

At the beginning of 2014, I was in the middle of a soul and mental crisis. Depression for me was deep, dark, and intense at the time. It would be 6/7 months after the beginning of the year when the depression symptoms would subside.  10 months later I would experience heartbreak and then Dec, 18th my grandmother had passed away.

The Thursday before that morning when I felt the beginning phases of a relapse, I had been crying a good portion of the day. But, that day all I felt was sadness and pain. That my friend is not depression. Although, it can lead to depression. Depression looks and feels much different than something isolated in regards to sadness and pain. Depression takes on an entirely different identity that you would never ask for. Nobody calls on depression. “At least I hope not anyways”.

I tell you these things not because of self-pity or the pursuit of sympathy. I write this to let you know I’m just like you. My trials are no worse or better than anybody else’s trials. It’s all relative to each individual. Just like it can happen to me, it can happen to you. Or maybe you’re reading this because it is happening to you. That morning when I figured out what the feeling was, I knew I had to make a decision and it had to be quick. Either let this “thing”(satan) get the best of me and I fall into depression only to fight my way out again. Or I could talk to God through Christ, change my words, my thoughts, have faith, and then hope for the best. That’s exactly what I did. Needless to say, I my day was wonderful. I was strong enough at that moment to make a decision and chase it as opposed to falling down that slippery slope again where your decisions are made for you quite often. My words and thoughts were that of being there for those I love. I didn’t want to give up. I still love myself. I have much to offer in this lifetime and that goes for family, friends, and many people I don’t know but have yet to encounter. I will meet you soon. And God will share with me what needs to be shared with you.

This year was a unique year to say the least. That is quite a bit for the mind, body, and soul for anyone to deal with. But, God will never give you more than you can handle. A guy whose name is Willie Jolly always said, “It’s all just a setup for a comeback” and that I truly believe. God willed me and I came back… Thank you.

ElReco Ramon – (G h o s t)


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