“I’ve gotten so far away from myself as a human being that I lost the ability to comprehend why my memories, thoughts, dreams, and illusions are like pages that flip by themselves at least a hundred thousand times a day.”

1 of the most difficult things that happened to me while going through the stages of depression, derealization, and depersonalization were my thoughts and memories. That was a major part of the reason why I couldn’t tell the difference between the past, future, and reality. It was also the cause of quite a number of panic attacks. What is considered normal for billions of people across this entire planet, was freakishly unusual to me.

Let’s just say you’re sitting in a chair right now. You’re staring at the wall and then all of a sudden a full HD picture is frozen or moving in slow motion right in front of you. The video you’re watching is from your past. The video consist of vibrant colors, words, and feelings attached to it. The all of a sudden you cut the video off and continue looking a the blank wall in front of you. For me that same specified video made me depressed and even despise life at times. It was as if I lost the cognitive aptitude to relate and connect to things that were normal like that. I would be driving, running, or walking my dog. Then all of a sudden these stand still pictures and videos of things from my past would show up out of nowhere. Everything was so thoroughly intertwined. It became extremely complicated to depict what was real and what was my imagination. This was definitely the wildest and most frightening part of what I was going through.

Today I still look at life through the same lens as before. The only difference is that it doesn’t cause anxiety or depression. It’s as if because these things don’t kill you, the longer and deeper you fall into it, the more comfortable you become with it all. It still seems as if I’m flipping through pages every day. The same as you who may be normal. Because I still cope with depersonalization, it still feels interesting and strange at the same time. Ulitmately, I very glad God allowed me to go through these things the way I did. At some point it was if God had given me his eyes to view life. It still feels that way most of the time.

I’ve learned that my pages are just pages. They won’t kill me, my heart, my soul, or my spirit. I now tell my pages what to do. Although they may pop up here and there throughout the day, I have the control now to demand it to leave or entertain the pages of my mind. Here are some tips of how to deal with your memories, thoughts, dreams, and illusions.

1. Pray (Prayer is typically always my #1 go to. I believe God through Christ is real and I do believe He has the power to guard all avenues of you mind at all times.)
2. Senses (The is so important family. When you feel caught up in a thought, feeling, daydream, or memory quickly go to 1 of your 5 senses. The more you switch from your thought or memory, the quicker you’ll become at it. God will give you plenty of control the more you practice. Master your mind!)
3. Present Tense (Very similar to using you senses. Really fall into the moment. Let the moment of what’s real around you fill you up inside and out. Smell and feel what you’re tasting. Listen and taste what you’re feeling. Get involved with your present moment to differentiate between the pages of your mind and what’s real.)
4. Medidation – (Sitting in silence for 5 to 15 minutes a day helps to strengthen the control of your mind also. Being quiet allows you to develop self control, mind control, and a relationship with God. Being silent or any other types of meditation goes hand and hand with “present tense” and senses also. Meditation will also allow you to connect better with your senses. Use “you” to help strengthen your identity and have more control over all the good and bad thoughts that filter through your mind on a daily basis.