The manifestation of a wearisome trail through the darkest of woods is many footsteps behind me. Yet, something still follows me. Something more daunting than enchanting. Something I hope and wish to stay away from.  “A shadow can still cast out in disguise even though it’s dark”… Wouldn’t you, if you wanted my soul?

The further away God has allowed me to distance myself from that 1st panic attack, the stronger I’ve become. I know my  grounding and centering techniques. I know how to remain in the moment and present tense. I know the contrast between my dreams, illusions, and reality also. Although, there’s still something very peculiar about my reality and where I stand on this perceptual view of life.

Nothing is the same as it was. It never will be. It’s difficult to go through something extremely intense mentally and expect something near what was the “usual” for me. The same thoughts I feared when going through the consistent trauma of things are the same thoughts that still cross my spirit and mind today. I just don’t fear them anymore. The same things God showed me still exist, just as the same things satan showed me.

I talked to my mother about a week ago. I had been wanting to express to her how I’ve been doing. She was the 1st family member I discussed depersonalization with. Her and I, hadn’t talked about it since August of 2014. I said to her, “mom you know I still cope with that depersonalization stuff”. No need to get into the dialogue. I just wanted her to know. I try not to talk about it much. I mean, who wants to hear about my dark past and the fact that I constantly feel like I’m living outside me body daily and sometimes that this isn’t me or my body. Or how I feel like I’m more of a spirit and how I feel possessed, although in a good way.  It’s weird, it’s draining, it’s confusing, it’s not normal, and it’s just the world I live in. I knew many wouldn’t understand me. Which is what makes this a very lonely road at times. I can’t express how many people(family, co-workers, and friends) I’ve shared my testimony with and they listen in awe initially.  Then after that, it’s like I never said anything. It’s like it was just a story and I’ll get over it. I wish they knew that this same condition causes people to commit suicide, go to an insane asylum, or even kill others. I now wonder if that’s why some people do those things. Maybe for attention because nobody is listening. I guess because I’m not wanting to commit suicide, go to an insane asylum, and the latter then that means that I’m ok and there’s no need to pursue any further concern or dialogue regarding what I feel. That does hurt my feelings at times, but I choose to be okay with that and I move forward. There’s nothing I can do about the lack of others concerns. I can’t lie, it does feel like I want empathy at times. Then I’ll step back and look at the whole picture and realize that it’s not necessarily the empathy or pity but the miracle in it all. Something miraculous and supernatural happened in my life and I just want people to be aware of it all. This is such a strange phenomenon. Why wouldn’t I want to talk about it? Then on top of that I have to even look introspectively at myself. Maybe I’m the weakest link and hypocritical in my own world. Maybe I don’t care enough about others and their concerns or afflictions. That may be true. I’m willing to diagnose that same issue internally if it’ll make me a better soul overall. It probably is me…

Today I was thinking about how I feel about myself and life. Ultimately, my feelings were that I love myself and life. Even though I really don’t comprehend the definition of life all to well. That word seems uneasy to me. But, sometimes I wish people could understand how I think. My thoughts today were exactly this, “gosh this can be very draining at times”. I always feel like I’m just a tear or moment away from relapsing back into depression, anxiety, or the intensity of depersonalization or derealization. I always feel like I’m trying to stay 1 foot ahead of the evil one. I know the evil 1 and it’s helpers want to destroy me and my soul because of all that I went through. Then I survived on top of that. I succeeded and passed all trials thanks to God’s tools, mercy, and grace on me. I do at times think that at some point I could have easily let go and gave up on life. I didn’t want to though. Now I feel I’m always running away from something dark. Every day, I have to check in constantly with God and ground myself in the moment so I don’t make a mistake and get lost again. I’m so frightened of getting stranded on that island again. It wasn’t fun at all. Yes, I still feel very strange and spirit like but will never forget the anguish, darkness, and heaviness of what I was going through in the past. I get sad sometimes because of all that I do on a daily basis. At the end of the day, I’ll say to myself, “dude why so much”? I don’t mean to. Sitting still for too long can still be very uncomfortable at times. That was part of my initial downfall so I suppose it only makes sense to feel that way. I get scared sometimes that if I don’t meditate in peace and silence with God, I’ll slowly lose the connection, peace, and comfort inside. If I don’t practice some element of grounding daily whether walking, skating, trees, water, or art, I feel uncomfortable. I always feel the need to be doing something of substance and purpose. I do sit in stillness daily, which ironically is very therapeutic and part of my upward journey to success.

Sometimes i’m sad because I don’t have anybody to talk to about it all. I know where to go to channel and release everything, but at the same time it’s good when there’s a person that either understands or at the very least is encouraged and intrigued to genuinely and sincerely want to know what’s going on in my world. But, for some reason God built me to handle this by myself for the moment.  I don’t know why, but that’s just how it is these days, weeks, and months. I don’t mind most of the time. But I do have feelings. Apparently many of them. The disconnect still lingers around daily. But, it’s not bad. Because of how far I’ve come I know how to pretty much connect to what I need to instantly. I always feel like I’m right above it all. Meaning, my head and maybe half my body is above the water line. But, want bad step or move then it’s a sinking I go. I still sit and look at things wondering what it really is that I see. I even still sit in awe at the invisible pages that scroll across the front of me. Sometimes I still watch my breathing and feel my heartbeat which can be annoying but you get used to it and all the clamor quiets down after awhile. I often smile at the things I wish to be sad about and I often laugh at the things I wish to feel awful about. Those are the things that keep me stable and grounded so I don’t relapse back into depression. I’ll even force myself to smile if i’m too caught up in a still day. My mind seems to work very well whether broken or unbroken. God has continued to strengthen my mental abilities. I still have many memories from the past. I still dream and I still have numerous illusions. Sometimes digging in that mental abyss can be uncomfortable but it’s kinda cool to know I can still call on past thoughts and dreams at an instant. On another note, my mind space is humongous! It feels like I can travel so far and deep mentally. I don’t know why I’ve been given so much infinite space to play in. But, I sure don’t need it all(lol). Still learning how to use that space and what God wants me to do with it. I’ve looked so far into it that it was part of the depression I was going through. That’s why I put a lasso around my mind and keep it grounded daily. You have to learn that or you will get lost and be gone for good.

It’s often quiet on my side of the world. Just God, I, and the infamous inner voices of a thousand angels whom protect me daily. If that’s the worst of it all then I’ll be alright. Just 1 moment at a time…