Alyson, I loved what you wrote. To make a full blown comeback from wanting to die and commit suicide due to this condition was phenomenal and exemplary from my perspective. You are truly a golden rose that blooms in dimensions beyond our minds.
The condition of depersonalization and derealization has to be the 10th wonder of the world(chuckle). This is a mystery to many. A mystery to even many doctors and therapist that deal with stress related conditions, mental conditions, and mental illnesses. It’s so mysterious it’s on the bottom rung of mental conditions/mental illnesses. Nobody, in my entire 33 years before my 1st panic attack could have told me that there’s a condition in which you “need” to be around trees, animals, and water daily in order to connect to life and be centered/grounded. This was never talked about in my family, culture, or the various religions I surpassed. Nobody could have told me that there’s a condition that requires maintenance of the body and brain by way of very healthy eating daily and being very active daily to cope and stay at bay. Nobody could have ever told me that my faith in God through Christ would have been challenged on the highest level possible. Nobody could have ever, ever told me that there’s a mental conditional state of mind where your mind is so infinitely open and vast that you can get lost in it and develop tons of fears. This journey through the soul and mind is not for the faint and weary. There are so many of us going through trial and we’re all so brave. Even those of us who can’t seem to hold on, don’t really want to get better, or just aren’t strong enough. You are so brave because you are here and you exist. It can be extremely draining at times, but yet we stand as tall as we can for as long as we can. Some friends once told me, “there’s nothing a man can’t do that God can’t do” and that “you’re so much stronger than you’ll ever know”. Alyson, is right on point. You have to stop sinking in it all. You have a choice. You have to truly want to get better. It may seem very impossible in the beginning stages, but it is very possible. I said this to all dp forums the other day. “If you want to get out, you have to get out”. It’s not a puzzle family. It’s just the God to honest truth. That’s the main way out of it all in addition to other routes. Keep in mind that no matter how bad and low you feel, you’re here. Even if you feel you’re not here, something about you still exist. Your soul exist at the very least. It may be very dim, but it’s there. All that means, is that God is giving you an opportunity to get out of it all. I remember when I was at my lowest. I was just a piece of flesh with oxygen running in and out by itself. That was when I began to redefine myself. I fell in love with myself all over again. Write down on a piece of paper what makes you happy. Go somewhere quiet and dig as deep as you can. There is something there. Once you’ve made your list, then follow it no matter what. That is where the rebuilding of identity begins. Little by little, you will find and build fragments of “self”. God will help you if you ask HIM. HE will! But, you have to be patient and consistent. We live in a society where we all expect instant gratification. God and life doesn’t work like that. Everything happens for a reason and everything happens when it should right on time. But, you have to believe in yourself every single moment of the day. You have to talk to yourself. You have to go to the mirror every single day and even if you don’t recognize yourself, say anyways “I love this being”! “I love my soul”! “I love me”. The more you do that, the more of yourself you will find.
Thank you Alyson Myers, I love you! “I love you”, the entire family of those dealing with depersonalization and derealization. I love all who are dealing with mental illnesses and mental conditions. I love you! “I love me”…