“Today was not ordinary in the sense that I seemed out of place most of the day, today. It began this morning when I was walking my dog “Nala”. I was walking and it felt like it wasn’t me walking or like I wasn’t in control of my legs moving. I was a stranger”…
Sometimes, I can never wrap my mind around why I still have this spiritual/mental state of mind. I don’t mind and it doesn’t bother me. But, it can be a little annoying sometimes. It’ll even cause my breathing to fluctuate slightly. But, nothing drastic. At times I’ll be looking across from Jersey City over at Manhattan and I still am not able to connect right away. At the same time I feel blessed. I generally feel happy inside and that’s pretty monumental considering the places I could be or even worse the fact that I could cease to exist. Then there’s that moment, “do I even really exist”? I don’t really deal with the derealization phase like I did around this time last year. But every once in awhile my mind will take me somewhere that’s unfathomable. I’m just so used to it. Nothing is frightening or harmful to my mind, body, and soul. I’m not dying inside or out. Things just feel really strange all the time.
I even had a slightly difficult time maintaining control of my mind. It wasn’t bad, but I would be in the present tense and then I would backtrack or be too far in the future. That’s just not very healthy for someone who deals with depersonalization. Maybe my mediation wasn’t good enough this morning. Maybe it was because I didn’t do my centering and grounding today. Maybe it was because it was just 1 of those days. It’s otay though. It can be like that sometimes. I just roll with it. It was definitely a day full of depersonalization, yet i’m still full of peace and joy.
“Nevertheless, my hands are dry, my mind is at peace and quiet, my breathing is very silent, and I feel healthy. It may not be my body and mind, but whoever is using it, is taking very good care of it”. Thank you, God(wink)