It takes a lot to admit that and I’m not really ashamed. Sometimes, the only thing left in “a moment” is God, breath, death, and that other spirit we are not so kind to include. “Right”?

I talked  to my mother on the phone today and told her “I was doing ok”. My “ok” then transitioned into “I’m feeling down”. She asked, “why”? I said, I dunno moms”.

Sometimes for me that’s just apart of being who I am. I can be strange that way. I think about that often. “Why am I so unusual”? I feel things a lot. I feel the weight of the emotions from people around me often. I feel the seasons. I feel the day. I feel the past, future, and the present. I feel the typical sensations any human can feel. Sometimes all these things come rushing at me at once. Usually at those frequent moments, “silence” is my companion. Silence through God does exactly what it needs to do for that specific moment in time. Being alone brings about an influx of many undesired and desired thoughts and emotions. All of which must be sorted out, mastered, and contained. I’m not alone in the sense that I’m daily wallowing in a sea of puddled tears and darkness. Although, I’ve had my fair share of that journey. None of which I would ever wish upon even my greatest enemy. Not that I have any enemies either. This season is a different alone-ness. One that requires a deep appreciation for self worth, patience, and resilience through the brevity of this time we call “life”. A reinstatement of values and quality.

It hurts at times. Why? I guess because sometimes in my alone-ness, I notice that there’s not many beings like me. I have a couple friends here and there. But, they don’t live around me. I don’t ever really have friends. I know 1 main reason is because it’s very difficult for me to trust and I’m very protective of my emotions, spirit, and soul. Please, spare the buckets(chuckle). I’m not begging for loose change and especially no pity. I even refuse to give myself self-pity. You see, it’s been like that for me most of my life. I’ve always been different. It’s very rare I come across people that I gel with. It could be 1 of an assortment of things. My personality, my mental state of mind due to unusual things I’ve been through, my relationship with God, my off beat attire at times, my odd prism and perspective on life, my acceptance of sensitivity and emotions as a man. I’m not defined very well at all by society’s standards of “normal”. Typically, most people who aren’t find themselves in this same capsule of an enigma. In the past I have tried doing things that mirror what most people look like and do. In hindsight, I failed miserably. I’ve tried being that guy that does “that” because it’s fun for most and it’s normal. “Whatever “that” is”. Then when the night ended I would feel miserable inside. I’ve tried doing what most people feel are the norm in relationships that most people do. Then time would go by and once again I would be left with an oddity of feelings and a dent in identity. I’ll tell you 1 thing for sure. Being alone and trying to be what others want you to be is extremely dangerous. “Oh what tangled webs we weave”.

Here I am. I stopped trying to be another me. Instead I’m just this me. I find myself deep in the abyss of my mind in a zone not tethered most days. It’s liberating and I’m me. I’m well defined by this zone. This independence of space, silence, artistry, love, spirituality, etc… I’m humbled, thankful, and filled with many gifts from God. (chuckle) As you can view from above, that’s not the issue at all. I’ll be captivated by all these things that set my soul and passions on fire. Then I’ll look up when it’s all over and realize that I’m just here by myself. I’ll sit where ever I am at the moment and look around briefly. Sometimes a couple minutes, maybe even 5. I’ll frown for a little while and feel a slight sadness inside. But typically once my shoulders have shrugged, it’s back to whatever makes me feel some type of happy way inside.

Being alone is quite a painful art and road less traveled or desired by many. “Now that’s funny, because I love art”. Just not that art sometimes. I suppose maybe that would be the 1 thing that makes me normal. It requires many gains and losses. I’d be lying if I told you that it was my strongest preference in life. I just like you value in the romanticism of companionship. I can’t help it. That’s just a natural part of who I am. I think it’s a natural part of many of us. “But, sometimes it’s not your turn to play cards and you must wait”.

I end this by saying. Being alone is not the end of the world. Do you ever take the time out to think about the dynamics of seasons. Things grow, things die, things nurture, things strengthen, blablablahblah(lol). But, it’s true. It’s a time to build character, definition, and understanding. It’s a time to relate and get to know yourself. It’s a time to say to you, “I love you”. Yes, I’m alone and I may even be spectacularly crazy. But, dear God I’m here, I’m here and I’m happy you’re right here by my side. Which actually makes  me, “together alone”. I’ll take that any day! I am together alone!