Rebuilt Identities… Depersonalization

“Something so real as to seem so vague has no relapse of value concerning the impact of life and trials to come”…

I was just sitting there 1 day and why was it all so complex all of a sudden? Why was it necessary to define something so innate and God given? That’s what happens when you get stripped of everything natural and all that’s left is just a casing of something built by God stem to stem and cell to cell. From the bottom to the top, here we go! Let’s now begin adding everything back into place 1 by 1 and see how he takes to it….

What was being added 1 by 1 had to be everything that I completely loss while going through the intense phases of chronic anxiety, depression, and depersonalization. When I say everything, I mean exactly that “EVERYTHING”. One of many ways on how I detail and describe depersonalization is through this perception and explanation. Imagine a new or refined soul entering into a vessel with no exact blue print of how to utilize the vessel it has entered. It’s like I had to learn how to use different aspects of my body and mind all over again. Depersonalization feels like you’re just a soul/spirit existing in a body casing. You feel outside of it all the time and it seems so foreign.

I remember reading this short article when I was deep into the stages of depression. The article was about depression and the guy who had written it said something very vital at the end. It was something that would stick with me and assist me on the way back up. There sure is a lot to be said regarding the choices we make, the thoughts we have moment by moment and the things that spill out of our mouths. The guy said that 1 of the good things about depression was that it’s a great way to redefine your “self”. When I read those words there was something that made me happy inside. I remember thinking to myself, “hmmmmm, that doesn’t sound like a bad idea”. I was so far away from a former “me” that it actually made great sense. Not only was I far away from who I used to be. I wasn’t anything at all at that low point. I always felt like I was in some limbo stage of something just waiting for some release and breakthrough. It was an excruciating mental anguish daily. But, I had asked God to make me 10 times stronger than the man I was before and it seemed like His way of getting me to that point was to rebuild me in His image with His strength and His mind. It didn’t sound like a bad idea. I wanted better for myself even though I couldn’t feel anything.

I couldn’t understand what happened to me. I didn’t know where it all started and why it had to happen to me. No room for self-pity on this journey. There was some serious introspect that needed to take place. I knew 1 of the things that sent me into a slow gradual downward spiral was the loss of my career a year and some change prior. So I dug deep and asked myself a lot of questions regarding the absence of my career. As it turns out, the career I had been in for approximately 12 years was a major part of my identity. I had to let that go and embrace something new deep down within. I could never let a career again define a major percentage of my life, purpose, and willful intentions regarding God through Christ. I finally recognized that 1 of the main reasons why I was so distraught due to the loss of my career was because I had been doing something creative 8-10 hours a day for over 12 years. My career was a release for me. I poured all my emotions, issues, and life through radio production. I learned that what I had been doing for 12 years for me was considered “art”. Ah ha! That was the moment I finally realized a true calling and defining self awareness within me. I had been a true artist for many years and never knew it. Now it was time to rebuild and come into my own. I would then proceed to ask God to rebuild my artistic nature. And He did more than I would ever ask Him to do. God would place in my life things that could never be taken away from me. Things full of purpose. Helping other to get through mental illnesses, photography, writing, canvas painting, skateboarding, etc…

You have to let go of the old you. I come across people all the time that want their old selves back. I tell them all the time that God didn’t design us to travel backwards. Recently my new question is why would you want to go back to an old self anyways. That’s good for growth and vital development. You have to recreate a new normal for you and you have to be very careful of your thoughts and words. Everything you think and say will constantly create the unseen seconds that lie in front of you. Just talk with God and ask Him to help you build a new reality. He will do it for you.