What if I told you that I feared my own voice in my mind and that it assisted in causing some panic attacks. A step further, would be me telling you that my fear of my own voice made me want to kill myself. “It’s true”.
“It’s early in the morning and i’m getting ready to go to work. I’m in the bathroom looking in the mirror and I hear my own voice in my head. I am so freaked out by it. All I remember was racing out the bathroom and sitting on the couch just capturing as much silence as possible. I didn’t want to hear that voice. That voice scared me although it was my own. I had been back living on my own for about 2 weeks now after living in my mother’s home for 2/3 months. My move out on my own was my way of showing myself that I needed to get back out on my own and capture my identity once again.
It was extremely difficult being back on my own. Nobody knew what I was going through. I even remember the 1st 2 days when I had moved everything in. I wanted to finish constructing my dresser because I needed somewhere to put my clothes. I was home 1 night and felt very dizzy and a slight faintness. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that something was actually wrong, so I tried to endure and push through it. I would try to walk in a straight line to make sure I wasn’t going bonkers. Why was I feeling faint? I wasn’t on drugs or meds. I walked to the mailbox which was right in front of my apartment. I could barely make it to the mailbox and I almost fell on the way back. I came to the conclusion that I just couldn’t deal with what was going on. So I laid on the couch and went to sleep and didn’t wake until it was time to go to work the next morning.
The “voice” was something that I just couldn’t identify with anymore. That’s the tragedy that surrounds depersonalization and derealization. Everything becomes so unreal and disproportionately out of bounds that you can’t comprehend anything. You are stripped of everything that you once learned made you a human. You are even stripped of things you could identify with as a child. Simple things like colors, emotions, and even places. It’s an unruly condition and it takes a very brave heart and soul to fight these battles. So, 1 of the things I couldn’t quite connect to well was my inner voice. I was so far outside of my body, that I became uncomfortable with things like my voice or my legs, hands, and fingers. I didn’t feel like it was me more than half of the time. Many times I even felt possessed. I had to learn all over again that my inner voice was my best friend. I had to develop trust in it. I spent a lot of time praying to God through Christ to help me feel comfortable with it. I learned that I could speak positively about myself and my inner voice would follow suit. I learned that my inner voice would be God in my life directing my through the Holy Spirit to build me and become stronger. My inner voice would become that entity that would continue to lift me out of darkness and walk with me every moment of the day. It would literally order my steps and help guide me to all safety regarding the anxiety I had. The inner voice was a coach. It would champion me across many finish lines throughout each day.
No it’s not comfortable at all when you get stripped so deep that you can’t even recognize your own inner voice. I just wanted to turn it off because it was driving me crazy and more into depression at times. What comes along with the giant “inner voice” are also your inner thoughts. Thoughts that consist of the past, present, future, and dreams/imagination. The inner voice and thoughts can throw the most exotic and strange things at you. Sometimes things of joy and sometimes very dark and daunting things of fear. In the beginning stages of darkness, depersonalziation, and depression the thoughts and inner voice can be quite difficult to control. It takes a lot of love and patience to conquer your thoughts and inner voice. But, it can be done. I didn’t have much control over my thoughts, mind, and soul at the time so I had to deal with it. The “voice” in addition to thoughts would be so random at times. I couldn’t control what was being thrown at me or why my inner voice and thoughts were just speaking and floating by themselves without direction or permission. It was devastating at times. So I picked up a few techniques. Some things that may help you to not fear your inner voice. Tips that’ll help you to trust and silence your “inner voice”.
Inner Voice tips
1. Positive Reinforcement (Say words aloud consistently throughout the day to reflect what you desire your “inner voice” to reflect, exude, and relay. Exude words that are strong, supportive, and confidence builders).
2. Shhhhhh (Practice sitting in silence a couple times a day. 10 minutes to 25 minutes each time. No you don’t have to sit with your legs crossed. But, sit in silence and capture it. Capture the lack of sounds. Capture the minute sounds that you do hear. Just make sure it’s silence. Turn all technology and social media off. The more you learn to direct your attention to silence, the more you learn how to control your mind and “inner voice”. You’ll then learn how to shut it off temporarily).
3. Love (Treat your inner voice. Pamper it. Become intimately involved with your “inner voice”. For everyone it’s different. For me, my “inner voice” is my relationship with God. It is the cosmic epitome of God directing the Holy Spirit to guide me and give me direction every moment of the day. My “inner voice” is God inhabiting my mind, soul, spirit, and flesh. Say you love your “inner voice” frequently. Love is extremely crucial.
4. If you have a spiritual foundation, navigate and learn the distinct difference between right and wrong regarding the inner voice. Focus on your foundation and always continue to build upon it. Never stop conditioning and caring for your inner voice until the day you die. The “inner voice” can be your best friend or your worst enemy.
5. Always keep in mind that we are created in a “habitual” state of mind. Meaning, many of us are creatures by habit. Be very careful what you expose your “inner voice” to. The things that are unseen are the things you’re typically not aware of. Your “inner voice” can be masked often by the things you’re exposed to on the regular. Whether it be music, tv, books, magazines, environment, etc. Protect the ears of your “inner voice” and your inner voice will protect you.