“I didn’t know. I didn’t want to know. I just wanted to keep running until time ran out. Then again what is time and what exactly is pain again. Please remind me so I know whether or not I am healed or even alive”…
The old cliche of sayings. “Time heals all wounds”.
Well, I think you must first identify with and define what the word “heal” means to you. If to be healed means for things to be normal again, then the word “heal” has a certain definition. If it has meanings that ride along side complete, perfection, and possibly even unbroken, well then relatively speaking it would have a different meaning to you.
That’s all I would say to myself at the beginning of my trials with the panic attacks, depression, suicidal thoughts, and depersonalization. I would beg God to please heal me and return me back to normal again. The deeper I would travel into this intense hole, the more frustrated I would become.I felt time nor God was healing me at all. It hurt more the deeper I fell. So much so, I thought I was never getting out of the mental issues I was dealing with daily. Then it hit me. I was never to be healed and returned back to normal. I was to be trained, strengthened, and adjusted. Everything would be adjusted. My perception regarding life, my soul, my spirit, my insecurities, my pride, my emotions, and even my connection to people in general.
It was the ultimate learning lesson. I learned that God doesn’t necessarily completely turn your around but yet He will complete you. You may still have afflictions of war, scars on the flesh of your heart and mind, and even pains of despair written on your soul. But, 1 thing God will most definitely do is make you stronger. I think I cried for an entire month November of 2013. I yelled at God(repectfully). I cried out daily. I petitioned and requested so hard that He make me stronger than I ever was. Stronger than I was before the 1st panic attack happened. I said, “I AM YOUR CHILD, I am all yours. YOU MADE ME! YOU MADE ME AND I BELIEVE IN YOU. I KNOW YOU ARE HERE AND I KNOW YOU LOVE ME. I’M TRYING TO GIVE YOU ALL OF ME AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO. I trust you God and I know you’re not going to leave me hanging like this. I know you won’t. Please, show me YOU so I can show others that you exist. Please, save me so that I may live to tell about it another day. Please, God!
Today in my present tense reality I am much stronger. He came like He always said He would. I am 10 time stronger than I was before my life took a nose dive. I am much bolder and full of life, love, and peace. God will not always take obstacles away but He will not give you more than you can handle. With all due respect, God, time, and patience does heal. God heals perception. Time heal the introspect of life and patience heals the soul’s release of what’s to become. Here I am, healed… (In such a way)
P.S. – Even “time” and patience is in the eye of the beholder…