Psalm: 116 “Soul Restoration”
“The soul is something different. It really doesn’t have much to do with the casing that surrounds the bones and flesh of the body. The mind is even more unusually different. For the brain is not the mind and the mind is not the brain. The mind is infinite! It can travel distances and places you could almost never imagine. You must ground and tame them all. The soul requires a different it’s own nourishment. For without the soul, you are incomplete, lost, and dead on earth” – Ghost
What better way to begin my 1st blog regarding mental health. Being thankful for something many are crippled and devastated by. Even to the point of suicide or being detained in a mental institution maybe even for life. I’m somewhat reluctant to say I celebrate the day of Thanksgiving. Not because I don’t believe in thanks and giving, but more so because I believe thanks and giving should be every day. I feel the same way regarding mas Christ(Christmas).
Last year around this time, I had just a few days until I would leave College Park, Md in route to Atlanta, Ga to live with my mother. I was devastated and crippled in so many ways at the time and nobody knew except for my woman at the time. I didn’t know what was going on with my life. Everything had changed. I feared being alone. I feared being outside. I even feared my own safety and the safety of others. Nov, 27th of 2013 I had been dealing with panic attacks daily since May/June. But, it doesn’t stop there. I had also been dealing with extreme breathing issues, suicidal thoughts, evil thoughts, and disillusionment. The disillusionment would later roll into derealization and depersonalization. I went through this intense mental and soul condition for mostly a year and a half which obviously seemed like forever. I thought I was dying every day for at least 9 months straight. I vaguely even remember what I did for last Thanksgiving. I’m almost sure it was spent at my grandparents because I knew I would be leaving them by the 30th.
I’m thankful every single moment of every single day for my soul being restored. Most survivors of depersonalization and derealization will share the same sympathies regarding life. For the journey of dp/dr is a very humbling experience. You don’t ever really look at the life the same way you used to. You don’t see life like most people see it actually. You don’t see numbers the same, days the same, seasons the same, holidays the same, even feelings the same. Everything that ran through the scope of your former reality before dp/dr hit, is now viewed through many different prisms. For many it leads to depression and insanity for many because of developed fears, the lack of control in mind, thoughts, and frames of illusions.
My journey with Depersonalization and Derealization was handled through my relationship with God through Christ. For me, it wasn’t a journey defined as depersonalization or derealization. It was a journey of a darkened and lost soul that could only be found and uplifted by God. I can’t explain it any other way. Before I even knew what dp/dr was, I was already relying on God and His faith in me for everything. I went through this intense mental and soul condition for mostly a year and a half which obviously seemed like forever. I was self-diagnosed like many who deal with dp/dr. It’s very difficult to find someone to help you with this mental condition. I chose to endure the pain and mental anguish that came along with all the symptoms I had. It wasn’t easy at all. But God is so merciful and good to me, “undeservedly so”. By the grace of God, I did it all with no meds or therapists. I’m not heroic nor am I so special and strong that I didn’t utilize them. This is just my story and my route. How people deal with mental conditions and life for that matter is relative to each individual. I just chose to rely on God and this is where I am today. My faith got me through it all and therefore this testimony is necessary.
With all that being said, “yes, I am honored that God still chooses to allow me to be here to share who HE is within me to the rest of the world. No, I’m not that person I once was before the 1st panic attack hit. I went a long time looking for that guy. I never found him because I let him go. I chose to not look back. I chose to move forward. I will never be him again. I now don’t see things through the same prism as that guy. I see things through God’s eyes. I’m a just a vessel of flesh and dust for HIS purpose. Thankfully so, He has allowed me to still be able to enjoy memories, feelings, my passions/gifts, joy, and peace inside. No, life isn’t fair. But, who told you it would be? Embrace who you are today and what you’re going through. Love others, but love yourself more importantly because that is where it all begins. That’s where the small light in the dark hole begins to enlarge moment by moment, day by day. (Psalm: 12 – 25) Watch your words, your thoughts, and what you read regarding depersonalization and derealization. It can and will lead to death and destruction of mind, body, and soul, They all work together simultaneously. At this moment I am thankful for you. I love you! “I am thankful for my soul” God, have mercy!