“I told my best friend “A” before she moved, that I was glad I didn’t spend too much time with her while she was here in NYC. Because had it been so, the pain of her missing from my life would be challenging and possibly lead to a relapse of mental issues.”

Depersonalization can be quite complex at times. It just comes and goes as it may. But it’s just normal now. I have no issues with it. I know when it’s here and I know when it’s not. I just go with the flow of life. I feel 1 of the gravest derivatives that can bring about depersonalization are things and people in and out of your life. Whether negative or positive. I come across a lot of individuals that deal with mental conditions that keep themselves in isolation. That’s not a very good thing at all. That’s 1 way to lose your life. It’s very unfortunate because sometimes it’s not due to self pity or desiring to be alone. Sometimes it’s just something we have to do. There are a few variables. Sometimes it’s social anxiety, agoraphobias, no one to relate to, feeling not normal, etc… I am 1 of those individuals.

Before the 1st panic attack, I was considered an extreme loner. Although I dated quite a bit over the years, I never had any friends to hang out with since I had been on my own and nor did I go out much. I was a home body to the greatest power. But, I loved it. I loved being in my own little world and it was comfortable to me. During the 1st initial phases of the mental breakdown, I learned that isolation and not socializing was 1 of the most damaging issues regarding the downfall and onslaught of the mental issues. I was suffering very badly and slowly but surely losing the battle with life. For every month that went by, it was like a knock out punch to my mind and spirit. It wasn’t until maybe 7 to 8 months later that I really caught onto the fact I wasn’t connecting enough to the stimulus of life. So I did. I got out more. It was intensely difficult because I couldn’t drive well due to the panic attacks, breathing issues, derealization, and depersonalization. I was even starting to develop agoraphobia symptoms. Getting out more and socializing was the only way I was going to climb up out of the dark mess and hole I was in.

Fast forward to now. I’m here in NYC and this city has been 1 of the greatest things that could have happened to me. I’m artistic, so with all the museums, places, nature, art galleries, etc… I’ve been able to feel, connect, and delve into many aspects of life and I get the opportunity to be around people a lot. I socialize a lot. More than I ever have. But…

There’s 1 thing that I seem incapable of still. I’m still isolated in the sense that I don’t have friends here to hang out with. It’s intentional. It hurts too much to be too close to people because of the pain that can come along with the connection. I find myself also not being able to really have enough in common at times because of what I go through. Not that I don’t have the ability to have general conversations about a lot of things in life. It just seems there’s this battle with technology and communications these days and a lot of people don’t want to talk about much, so that leaves me stranded with my thoughts and personality at times. Probably more often than that are the facts that most people don’t really care too much about those in the community of mental illnesses. Either that or everyone has there own problems therefore people coping with these conditions feel muted. Because it is something that races across our minds daily. So you typically and naturally want to vent about your thoughts, mental challenges, and so on. But, nobody that’s “normal” wants to hear about that “stuff” daily. Why would they care if they’ve never been through an mental illness before. That makes regular relationships very challenging often. So why even bother forming relationships with people. Because you know that once you express yourself to somebody about what you’ve been through and about what still goes on in the present moment, about a day or 2 later they’ll forget you ever expressed it like it just goes away by itself. So life goes on. So most people in the mental illness community either hold it all in, which also very dangerous or we fortunately have the gifts of having certain forums and communities to go to talk and vent in to express ourselves.

The other variable is that which I had discussed in the beginning. A good friend or partner leaving out of your life can be very damaging. Once you connect to somebody strongly and they become a constant part of your life. You have now entered into a zone where this individual has become an integral part of you identity. The more time you spend, the more they become apart of you identity. That’s a very major part of depersonalization. The more of your identity that’s missing, the worse it will be at times along other variable. Speaking for myself, I don’t like it at all. When I finally understood that 1 of the reasons I was going through depersonalization and depression was due to a lack of identity, that’s when I decided to ask God for this barrier to keep me moving forward. I asked God to armor me with things in my life that couldn’t be taken away. He did an awesome job and I trust Him for that. So at this point you may be clearly understanding why I feel the way I feel. Family, friends, pets, careers, etc can be taken at any given point in time. Let me be clear also by saying that I don’t want to quoted as saying “don’t ever have friends”. That’s not my purpose for this blog. Relationships in general will be for another blog for another day. I do think good people in your life are vital. Especially for growth, life, and wisdom. I believe that to be true wholly. My point on this matter is that it’s very difficult at times. When you’ve fiercely battled a mental condition like this, you tend to do all you can to stay away from it. That usually creates another group of issues. It can be quite lonely at times. Often times I do experience very good people in my life. I’ll get to know somebody very well and then I’ll disappear out of nowhere. Therefore most would consider to have abandonment issues. Another blog for another day. Pain is something we all must continue to experience and the pain that comes along with relationships is part of that experience. I’m okay with that ideology. But, I would presume that most people whom are “over comers” and survivors of these types of mental life’s hardships measure almost all circumstances in regards to the people in their lives and the environments they live in.

I don’t like being hurt. I don’t like crying and thinking too much about life either. Nor do I like being to close to people in my life especially if I know that won’t always be around. So that has led me down an assortment of different roads to this point. Whether they were bad or good choices is relative. Isolation has made and kept me strong in many ways and it has hurt me at times. Even I’d like to get better and stronger within my experiences with life. My work on myself and the abandonment issues that arise from my trials is also something noted and I will continue to work on. My experiences with people thus far has been great and I don’t take anything away from it. Sometimes it must be understood that instances are just around for a season. It’s just the longevity connection and aspect of things that leave me and others stranded at times. I know I’ve hurt people due to isolation and that’s not a good thing. If I get the chance I will apologize. If I don’t, I am truly sorry for that’s not my purpose in life.

All in all, solitude and isolation must be a balanced effort. There’s nothing wrong at all with getting to know yourself. Spend time alone sometimes and find out who you are, who you want to be, and where you want to go in life. I strongly encourage it. But, I’m even speaking for myself when I say this. Go out much, have friends, and live life. Try not to make to make to much of life. Try not to think too much either or be over critical. I’m not afraid to admit even I can have that problem sometimes. And ultimately no self pity. That’s a very dangerous and slippery road. If you travel with isolation through self pity. You’re in for a rude awakening or eternal sleep and I advise you to seek help or talk to someone immediately.

“Even a pebble in the middle of the dessert has the wind and another pebble to talk to”…