Another DP moment…

The untied loose ends of a shadowy past gone sideways still has it’s way with the leader whom is also an unchained follower“…

People I come across that ask me what depersonalization feels like always want to try and comprehend. Not understanding that they can’t. Which is perfectly ok. Why would anyone be able to understand the dynamics of feeling like their body is at times fragmented and somewhat scattered here or there. Dissociation of the mind, body, and identity is very difficult to explain specifically. But, I’ll try.

So, I’m sitting down watching tv a couple hours ago. I’m deep into a movie from the past that I enjoyed very much called “Harry And The Hendersons”. It’s a childhood favorite of mine. Toward the end of the movie I began to feel a slight disconnect. A disconnect means that you’re not really digesting what’s going on in front of you. Words don’t have much definition nor does objects and scenery. You’re basically just sitting there silent with nothing going on around you. At this point you don’t have much control over the mind in this moment. The mind is somewhat awry regarding what is usually common and natural to most people. It seems as if when I’m going through these moments I have to make a very quick adjustment and focus on 1 of my senses immediately. Usually it’s my hearing to get back the connection I had to whatever I was doing. In addition to the disconnect I feel kind of spacey. It’s like I’m zoned out somewhere other than my body or mind.  At times I feel like I’m looking back at myself or watching myself watching what I’m looking at which can be a little uncomfortable at times. The mind may even take a quick trip back down memory lane which just adds more to the effects of what’s going on. At this moment I felt like I wasn’t myself. Identity faded away for a brief moment. I’m sitting there just breathing. But it’s as if I’m not the person that’s breathing. Sometimes things are so vivid and intense it’s as if all senses are heightened and you’re just completely abnormal or alien to existence. I’ll feel spirit like. It’s like something else is in control of my body and the breathing isn’t mine. At this point I once again must take quick control of the circumstances so it doesn’t get to far away from me. Keep in mind I’m used to this at this point in my journey. I’ve been dealing with these symptoms for over 2 years now, therefore I’m not worried or fearful. I know what to do now because I have techniques and have been applying them for quite some time. In addition to connecting with a sound or 2, I move body parts and touch my hands to just feel that they are dry. My hands being dry always lets me know that everything is okay. Possibly because when I was dealing with the panic attacks and chronic anxiety they were sweaty all the time due to nervousness, my heart racing, and fear. After making sure my hands are dry, I’ll then touch maybe my face, legs, or arms. That’s my way of reconnecting to “me” and that’s my way of reiterating to myself and the mind that this is me and there’s nothing to be concerned or afraid of. As freakishly ill as all this sounds, just understand that it all works for me. I’ll even take deep calm breaths to affirm that I’m the 1 at the moment who is breathing although I’m ultimately not in control of my breathing. Often times I’ll also drink water or eat some almonds to just keep that connection going in the present tense. The main objective is to ground myself in the present moment immediately and then get back to what i was doing prior to feeling dissoicated.

Obviously, this seems like a lot of stuff and as if it takes forever to cycle through this process. Believe it or not, this literally takes place within a couple minutes. It only last longer if you’re in the beginning to mid stages of depersonalization and derealization or if you still fear it. It’s not easy to deal with this condition at all. But all can be managed with a positive words, a positive mindset, and a positive perspective of how you look at these mental and spiritual challenges.

This is probably as specific as I can be. I can’t express to you why these things happen so often. But they do and that’s just the way it is. The mind and soul are very powerful entities and you have to respect them always. They work hand in hand and you have to keep them functioning well hand in hand. Someone may say that people with dissociation don’t have well functioning minds or souls. But, another person might just say people with dissociation are higher conscious supernatural beings. Go figure! It’s beyond me. What I do know is that I’m here and I’m strong, I’m happy, and I’m healthy. Supernatural, dysfunctional, or neither I’m good with these odds at the present moment. And now you know…